Silence ISN’T Golden: Has Your Family Had THE TALK?

The Cost of Not Talking. Families tend to avoid talking about difficult topics and the consequences can be costly – both from a financial and emotional perspective – particularly when it comes to long term care and end of life issues. In our experience, families who have navigated the tricky terrain of talking openly with each other about these issues tend to fare better in their long term planning than those who ignore or delay the inevitable. With the holiday season right around the corner, I feel that it is important to write an article entitled, “Has Your Family Had THE TALK?” As you make plans for family gatherings during Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas or New Years, keep in mind some of the information contained within that may be relevant to you and your family.

The national demographics have begun a dramatic shift towards a population with a greater percentage of citizens over 55, triggering questions concerning the quality of life for our nation’s senior citizens. These discussions have not only reached a fevered pitch in the realm of politics and policies, but also the realities are affecting families on a very personal level. Skyrocketing health care costs, changes to state and national laws regarding Medicaid and Medicare, senior housing alternatives and long term care options are but a few of the issues facing families who have elderly parents and grandparents. Answers may be hard to find and frequently tough to understand.

First PRINCIPLES -- Stop, look, and listen. The best place to begin is by using your powers of observation. At your next family event, take special note of how your parents or grandparents look and behave. Especially if there are notable declines, time to act to put legal protections in place may be running out. However, even for folks who are perfectly okay, it is important to confirm that they are not procrastinating getting their legal ducks in a row.

Don’t Stop Asking. Is Grandma well-groomed? Is Dad having a hard time walking? Can Mom see and hear all that is going on around her? How is Grandpa’s memory? Has Dad lost a lot of weight in a short period of time? If you are at your parent’s home, does it appear to be tidy and clean? Is there food in the refrigerator or cupboards? Answering “no” to one or more of these questions may indicate your family member needs help with some of the activities of daily living. If so, this is a good time to get other family members involved in sharing their own observations and to initiate the first step in opening up the family talk and setting the groundwork for future conversations. It’s critically important that you have and exhibit to those you care for, the mindset that it is entirely THEIR best interests you are looking out for. Nothing contaminates the discussion quicker than the sense that the “helpers” are acting selfishly and trying to advance their own agenda.

It’s No Secret. Families don’t always see eye to eye on many topics. Discussing the well-being of your parents can conjure up memories of old childhood conflicts. When possible, it is important to leave those conflicts at the door and keep in mind the bigger goal of what is best for Mom and Dad. Like any good mediation session, it sometimes helps to identify one person most known for level-headed moderation to act as the point person for managing the dialogue. If it helps, go with a list of all the questions or concerns that require family attention and consensus. Working from a list can help keep everyone on topic and assure nothing is overlooked or forgotten.

Engage Your Compassion! Above and beyond it all, be sure to engage your compassion – with your parents and your siblings. With luck, guidance and some concrete skills you may find this journey together a rewarding one.

For more information, visit our Charlotte Elder Law Firm Website.